Hope, desire, courage and a whole lot of bad assery
I have a love/hate relationship with New Years. I’ve never been a big fan of trying to live up to the hype of New Years Eve nor am I a bah hum bug kind of person by nature. But I do love the quiet and reflective quality that New Years Day brings. Here in Munich, all the stores and cafes are closed and hardly anyone roams the streets. There could hardly be better conditions to stay in and be quiet.. to review the year 2019.
New Year’s Day (or birthdays for that matter).. a day where we cannot deny the passage of time. The days passed.. one after the other.. like they do.. and we filled them with stuff. Lots of stuff. So much stuff that days pass, then months, and then finally a year. But what did we actually do? Were our daily actions and the way we spent our time aligned with our hearts, our desires, our values? Or did we get stuck? Did we remain loyal to last years ideas (and the year before and year before).. recycling old, outdates identities and belief systems? Anyone totally free of that? ;)
When January 1st happens, regardless of the number of highs and the number of lows for the year, one thing is always there for me. HOPE and DESIRE. Hope is that small tingling feeling inside and desire is the thing that wants to be expressed/lived. That thing in our hearts. HOPE and DESIRE is why we set New Years intentions in the first place. It’s tantric really - it comes from the body.
Moving from HOPE and DESIRE into ACTION requires something else pretty big.. COURAGE. Sometimes a lot of it. What is courage? And how can we practice small acts of courage to get comfortable taking the big leaps that living a full, fully awake and alive life require?
Myriam Webster defines courage as, “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”
Wikipedia defines courage as, “the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. “
Sounds intense. Courage actually comes from the French word coeur, which means heart. Age means age or time of. So courage is spending time in the heart. Or acting on what the heart wants.. What did the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz get when he wanted to have more courage after all? A heart, silly. It just took him a while to see he had it all along. :)
Osho says in Courage: The Art of Living Dangerously, “To be courageous means to live with the heart. And weaklings, only weaklings, live with the head; afraid, they create a security of logic around themselves. Fearful, they close every window and door—with theology, concepts, words, theories—and inside those closed doors and windows, they hide. The way of the heart is the way of courage. It is to live in insecurity; it is to live in love, and trust; it is to move in the unknown. It is leaving the past and allowing the future to be.”
I know from personality tests and feedback from friends and family that I happen to “have” a lot of courage. It took courage to travel alone around the world, to live in places to learn new languages, to move to new cities (and new countries even) not knowing anyone, to quit jobs that were not aligned with my values to find new ones that were, to ask (or demand, rather) academic scholarships, to drop out of law school to become a yoga teacher… basically to take chances, make mistakes and then accept them without feeling committed to seeing them through to the bitter end and, of course, being open to failing. These actions all require a shitload of courage.
Courage is not something doled out at birth and you either get some or you don’t. It is an art and a practice. I didn’t personally come from a particularly risk-taking, courageous family.. So how did I learn to be courageous?
When I look back, I see that I developed my courage like a muscle, that went from wimpy to strong over time. So think, for yourself, what is a little hard for you to do? Initiate a coffee date with a new friend? Sign up for a class when you don’t know anyone? Eat out alone? Go on a trip to somewhere new? Say no to someone? Ask for a raise or promotion? Start therapy? Ask for help? Stand up for someone? Share a differing opinion?
Have you done any of these? Then Congratulations.. you have done something that others would consider difficult or even, dare I say, courageous. If you tend to dismiss these seemingly small acts of courage, you keep yourself small. When we recognize how we have demonstrated courage now or in the past, we can start to see ourselves as a courageous person.
Evolve the way you see yourself by changing your inner language. Does your inner critic doubt that you are a courageous person, or downplay some difficult things you made your way through in the past? Habit change experts agree that seeing ourselves as the person we desire to be propels us in the direction we want to go in. See acts of courage in yourself. Note them. Write them down. Start to see the ways you are courageous. As you do this, the inner critics idea of who you are will be challenged. And you will start to see yourself differently.. as a courageous person, or a person practicing courage.
Look to how courageous people act. Want to develop your inner bad ass? What bad asses do you know — in your circle or a person famous for their bad-assery? I have a good friend and fellow coach who is very courageous. A bad ass. How does she act? She seeks out opportunities to hone her skill of courage — that is new, uncertain, or potentially scary situations that “raise the bar” of her comfort level/bad assery. What new, uncertain or potentially scary situations in your relationships, work life, body and health feeling or private/social time could you seek out.
If you have read this far and asked yourself these questions and answered them in an honest way, might I commend you on the courage that took. Here are a few other ways I get my health coaching clients to flex their courage muscles. Give one a try:
Set a boundary with a loved one or boss - You show courage when you refuse to be a pushover. When you clearly state what is acceptable and what is not, and when you allow other people to be accountable for their actions, and you accountable only to your own. You are brave when you honor your own needs and let your loved ones, colleagues or boss know what these are. Boundaries can’t be respected if they are never set.
Say no to commitments you aren’t jazzed about or don’t need to do - I am a firm believer in enthusiastic YES’es versus half-ass kinda yes’es. You know the ones.. where you give an outer yes but get an inner no. Sure we all have things that we really have to show up for, but how much of what you say yes to do you really have to, or want to do, versus pleasing others by agreeing to do it. You attract more of what you say yes to. Wouldn’t you rather have it be the stuff you are jazzed about?
Practice getting good at difficult conversations - I was brought up in a family that avoids confrontation and used passive/aggressive tactics to express discontent. I don’t think I know anyone who loves confrontation (except maybe certain U.S. presidents.. ;)?) so we have to learn it. I learned to practice out loud difficult conversations I needed to have with a trusted friend or partner. They helped me to speak honestly from the heart, cut out aggressiveness that makes true communication impossible and speak in a kind and assertive way. We don’t know how others will hear what we say until we practice on a few other people. Then we can start to develop some useful “scripts” for common difficult spots for us - around parents or in-laws, with bosses or coworkers, or kid commitments, for instance. Say them over and over until you sound natural, poised and confident. You can get good at this. So good, that people will say to you, wow, you are so good at handling confrontation. Imagine that!!
Devote time, every day, for self-care. It shows courage to say "no;" no to your colleagues and no to your family, and to declare that you need time alone, or you need time to exercise or go to yoga or care for yourself rather than others. It’s hard to exercise setting good boundaries with others if we fail to honor our own bodies boundaries around sleep, good nutrition, exercise and quiet time. Setting and keeping to internal boundaries around self care makes us well-practiced in the art of self-reliance and confidence. This takes courage.
Want to learn more about Ayurveda.. Kind of like a Living Yoga experience with some experimenting with daily habits from Ayurveda. I am redoing my coaching course in the upcoming months to include more Ayurvedic theory, and an abbreviated “best of” version of the daily habits for health coming from Ayurveda. I’m writing my material now, but expect to see updates in the coming months. Developing a new course takes courage.. luckily I have been practicing this for years. :)